But I've begun to trust the view here.

I've had a great couple of weeks. A little over a week ago, Liz and I went to see the Weepies in concert. It was quite possibly the best concert I've ever been to. Arguably even better than Gaga, but then again, that would be like comparing apples with oranges. Outrageous sparkly oranges with claws. A few days later I had a day off from work and decided to take a drive, just me and the D50. I didn't end up taking all that many pictures. Instead, I drove around the mountains for about six hours, just taking it all in. I ended up in Nederland at a cozy back-country bar, hanging out with Liz and Paul and considering the merits of my life here. Two days later, I was potentially offered a promotion at work. There is a very good chance that if I want it, the job is mine.

Add that to the mix, and it's obvious that I've been having a lot of feelings lately. For those of you who know me well, you know that I hate feelings. I've always been resistant to change, and I think that is half the battle in the decision I'm trying to make here. Staying here much longer is going to change me - in fact, it already has - and that's scary. But when I compare my life now to the way it could have been had I stayed in Rhode Island, or the way it could be if I moved back to Boston, I realize that this may be exactly what I want, but never believed or expected. Being so far away from 90% of the people I know is very hard. Being in a place where I can't seem to do what I ultimately want to do in terms of a career is hard. Letting go of my past and my concrete expectations for my future is hard. It's always hard, and it always will be hard, wherever I am. I'm going to see how I feel when I'm in New Haven this weekend, but right now I'm feeling like I might want to stay after all, at least until May. I have a place to live here, and a pretty good job where I'm making enough money to survive and a potential promotion in the near future, all of which is more than I could say for a life I might create back east. Yes, I may end up leaving in a few months, but I don't necessarily have to worry about that now. I can quit making things so hard for myself. Yes, I'm tired of getting up and moving all the time, but I'm even more tired of not allowing myself to be happy.

In fact, I'm going to try something novel. I'm going to try to stop planning my life out, resisting every change that comes my way. I'm at a point in my life where it's becoming less necessary anyway. I'm going to let myself be "here" right now, wherever "here" might be, rather than worrying about being somewhere else. I might change my mind this weekend, or next week, or next month or next year, but right now all I have to do is ride my bike home, enjoy the sun on my back and the crisp mountain air on my face, take a deep breath, and relax. It's so simple, and I'm very silly not to recognize that.