I don't know where I got the idea that there was A Path. Or at least, A Destination. That your ultimate success in life relied on making exactly the right choices so that you would end up there. And if you happened to make a "mistake" and wander into the wilderness, you would forfeit your chance for success unless you tore out a battle axe and started hacking your way back toward The Path, harshly scolding yourself with every trudge. All I know is that it's a persistent illusion, and somehow seductive, and also very, very difficult to shake. Especially after all that scolding.
A few months ago, I left my job. Partially by choice, and partially not at all by choice. It was a complicated situation. But that job was supposed to be the start of the career of my dreams, and that's where it gets sticky.
Maybe it would have been different if it hadn't been a combined unit, if it had just been labor & delivery, if it had just been postpartum or a neonatal ICU. Maybe it would have been different if I had a little more experience as an RN under my belt. Or if I wasn't planning a wedding and trying to learn 50 new skill sets at the same time. Or perhaps if I was already a mother, if my boundaries could have been a little cleaner, a little more rigid, when terrible things happened to healthy young women or seemingly healthy newborns. Or perhaps if I didn't leave work every day feeling like I had blood on my hands because of all the interventions I was responsible for that I just simply didn't believe in but wasn't yet skilled enough to fight.
Regardless of the what-ifs, it was an enormous disappointment. And despite the ways I knew it wasn't working, part of me was still holding out hope that it would change. That I would change, perhaps into someone stronger who could just muscle her way through it. But it wouldn't, and I didn't; and despite my great performance, voicing my concerns got me a swift kick in the butt out of the organization faster than you can say "oxytocin."
I was hired by a wonderful pediatrician within 48 hours, and I have been happily working in his primary care office ever since. But I still have regrets all these months later, and part of me is still afraid of whatever fate I sealed when I turned my back on That Old Path. After all, I still feel incredibly passionate about pregnancy and birth - I just don't feel that there is a place for me in the system as it stands. And while I do enjoy my current job, I know that it won't last forever.
So here I am in the woods, wandering, mostly contentedly, just waiting for the hint of another break in the trees. I'm trying my hardest to enjoy the process - being here now, and all that - but some days I still find myself spellbound by the fear of getting lost.
